I don’t believe I ever dreamed how wonderful married life could be. God has blessed me abundantly with Solvita, and I absolutely love her, and being married to her. I cannot imagine any other husband being happier than I!  Of course, I would be lying if I said that we haven’t also had our share of challenges. Indeed, if “honeymoon” is defined as a state of being, then ours lasted all of 48 hours! When two humans come together, friction and hurt are, at times, inevitable. I thank God that He has used these times to strengthen us and deepen our intimacy. For many, however, the result is a severing of the relationship, leaving the partners alienated from each other, and the marriage shipwrecked. Witness the fact that, in the United States (and I suspect it’s about the same in many other countries), 50% of marriages end in divorce (according to statistics for 2000 given at www.divorcereform.org).

I have no doubt that every person reading this article has been touched by painful marital struggles, either their own or involving someone close to them. For that reason, I want to share with you what is perhaps the single, greatest lesson that Solvita and I have learned so far, one which I believe to a great degree is giving us the strength to carry on and grow together.

Of course, I’m sure that a number of readers will scoff at the idea that I have a “secret” to a successful marriage, given my relative lack of experience. However, what I will share with you is not simply my own discovery, but rather a principle from God’s Word. As such, it transcends age and experience. Even if (God forbid) my own performance in applying this truth should waver, it would not change the validity of the truth itself.

In the Christian community there has often been an emphasis on the primary importance of sacrificial - “agape” - love. I wonder, though, if we sometimes use that concept too loosely, without appreciating it’s full significance. In Philippians 2:17, I see a powerful picture from Paul’s own experience of what true “agape” love looks like, as he tells the church, “Yes, and if I am being poured out as a drink offering on the sacrifice and service of your faith, I am glad and rejoice with you all”. 

The striking imagery Paul uses here of being “poured out as a drink offering” has been interpreted by some as simply referring to his imprisonment and possible execution in Rome. However, I personally disagree with that view, since in the same book (1:25), Paul voices an expectation of release. I also don’t believe the conditions of his imprisonment, described in Acts 20:30-31, give such a bleak picture. Instead, I believe he is making a much more general statement of his intense care and devotion for the Philippian church, and by extension the Christian church in general.

Let’s consider, then, Paul’s reference to a “drink offering”. If we read the Old Testament’s prescriptions for the various sacrifices, in six out of seven of them something was received back, to be eaten by the priest or even by the offerer. In other words, to “sacrifice” did not always mean a complete loss, with nothing gained in return. Indeed, the “sacrifice” typically preceded a feast! However, for the “drink offering”, there are no details given as to how to divide it among the people involved, as there are with the meat and grain offerings. It is simply to be “poured out”. Emptied.

Let me ask you: if you had a cup of liquid (wine, in most cases), and just poured it out on the ground, would you think you would get any of it back for your own consumption? Of course not! The drink offering, at least that portion poured out, is gone forever. Soaked into the ashes on the altar or the dirt surrounding it, the drink offering is, in that sense, completely “wasted”. Paul’s message is unmistakable. He is illustrating the essence of genuine, selfless love: a complete emptying of one’s self for the benefit of the one(s) loved, without any expectations of receiving anything in return.

And this, my friends, is the secret to a successful marriage relationship. Unfortunately, human nature typically causes us to enter into our marriages with many selfish “expectations” - happiness, fulfillment, respect, provision, security, sexual pleasure, and so on. How many people have told me that they want to marry so-and-so because they think that person will make them happy? Is it any wonder, then, that even within the Christian community the divorce rate is so high? Such expectations will kill a marriage.

However, when confronted with the idea that genuine love “pours itself out like a drink offering” for the loved one’s sake, we wonder if this is even reasonable. The world tells us that we must protect our own worth and dignity, and insure the safe-keeping of our own interests. Surely, such a love for someone else, especially if they don’t deserve it, is an exercise in absurdity. Indeed, it is. It is also an exercise in futility, for naturally self-centered humans cannot be genuinely and consistently self-less.

The answer, then, is for us to look to Christ, on the cross, “pouring out” (“wasting”) His life for our sakes. Would any of us say that we were worthy or deserving of His love? But this is the true “secret” to a successful marriage: we “pour ourselves out” for our partner, regardless of their performance, because Christ “poured Himself out” for us, without regard to ours.  I recognize that all of this probably sounds very idealistic, or much easier said than done. However, the crucial first step to developing this love within a marriage is to be actively willing - to make conscious choices - to be “emptied” for the sake of our spouse. As we do, God’s grace will be there to sustain and strengthen us for this purpose.

And as His grace is poured out for this purpose, may He stem the growing tide of marital disintegration which not only causes so much suffering on the human level, but of far greater importance tarnishes His reputation and the testimony He is building in the world through His church.

In His Service,

Stephen P. Tecklenberg
President / Executive Director